Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Tourists

The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They
were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the
actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of
humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV,
how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a
list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Harvey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night
in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is
illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget
its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of
Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can
scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out
walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population
is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas..

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

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Klingon Developers

Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you
had a Klingon on your software development team:

10) "This code is a piece of crap! You have no honor!"

9) "A TRUE Klingon warrior does not comment his code!"

8) "By filing this bug you have questioned my family honor.
Prepare to die!"

7) "You question the worthiness of my Code?!
I should kill you where you stand!"

6) "Our competitors are without honor!"

5) "Specs are for the weak and timid!"

4) "This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!"

3) "Perhaps it IS a good day to Die! I say we ship it!"

2) "My program has just dumped Stova Core!"

1) "Behold, the keyboard of Kalis! The greatest Klingon code warrior that ever lived!"

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Why men don't talk to each other in public toilets ..

I needed to pay a visit, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.
One of the doors was locked.
So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.
A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you going?"
Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied "Not too bad thanks." After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to?" Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick poo.. How about yourself?" The next thing I heard him say was ..... "Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some d*ckhead in the loo next to me answering everything I say."

lol



Hahahaha))))))))))))))))

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Everything I really need to know, I learned from Heather Locklear

  • If your "significant other" leaves town for more than a week, sleep with whomever you want. After all, you can't be expected to wait around forever.
  • When selecting a partner for casual sex, don't overlook your boss and coworkers. They're close, convenient, and best of all, you know exactly how desperate they all are.
  • A good way to unwind after a hard day at the office is to build a fire, curl up with a good book, and rapidly drink seven large glasses of straight vodka.
  • Every once in a while, just go ahead and slap somebody in the face, really hard.
  • Pretend you're pregnant.
  • Feeling a little insecure? Buy a gun!
  • If your marriage isn't working out, don't bother with a lengthy and embarrassing divorce proceeding. Just fake your own death.
  • Don't walk too fast when feigning blindness.
  • Never base a relationship on lust alone. Always combine lust with calculated self-interest and, if possible, revenge.
  • When you leave someone to die of carbon monoxide poisoning, be sure to shut the door tightly on your way out.
  • Don't date drug dealers...unless they're really good-looking...or have a lot of money...or unless you can gain something from it in some way...or...oh hell, go ahead and date drug dealers.
  • Don't get too close to people in comas. Sometimes they wake up and try to choke you.
  • If you get fired, get drunk.
  • Call your ex-wife, "Baby."
  • If you've got to fix your Harley, you might as well take off your shirt and do it by the pool.
  • Randomly insult the people around you.
  • Parents will be parents. Sometimes they'll nag. Sometimes they'll be judgmental. Sometimes they'll commit you to a miserable insane asylum where you'll be bound in a straitjacket and heavily sedated.
  • If you lose your job, wait a few minutes and you'll get an even better job at twice the salary.
  • Your sister's husband always makes an ideal mate. After all, you have so much in common -- he hates your sister just as much as you do.
  • Just because you're in the midst of ruining someone's career doesn't mean that you can't carpool to work with them.

Nice AD

The International Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.

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