Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Everything I really need to know, I learned from Heather Locklear

  • If your "significant other" leaves town for more than a week, sleep with whomever you want. After all, you can't be expected to wait around forever.
  • When selecting a partner for casual sex, don't overlook your boss and coworkers. They're close, convenient, and best of all, you know exactly how desperate they all are.
  • A good way to unwind after a hard day at the office is to build a fire, curl up with a good book, and rapidly drink seven large glasses of straight vodka.
  • Every once in a while, just go ahead and slap somebody in the face, really hard.
  • Pretend you're pregnant.
  • Feeling a little insecure? Buy a gun!
  • If your marriage isn't working out, don't bother with a lengthy and embarrassing divorce proceeding. Just fake your own death.
  • Don't walk too fast when feigning blindness.
  • Never base a relationship on lust alone. Always combine lust with calculated self-interest and, if possible, revenge.
  • When you leave someone to die of carbon monoxide poisoning, be sure to shut the door tightly on your way out.
  • Don't date drug dealers...unless they're really good-looking...or have a lot of money...or unless you can gain something from it in some way...or...oh hell, go ahead and date drug dealers.
  • Don't get too close to people in comas. Sometimes they wake up and try to choke you.
  • If you get fired, get drunk.
  • Call your ex-wife, "Baby."
  • If you've got to fix your Harley, you might as well take off your shirt and do it by the pool.
  • Randomly insult the people around you.
  • Parents will be parents. Sometimes they'll nag. Sometimes they'll be judgmental. Sometimes they'll commit you to a miserable insane asylum where you'll be bound in a straitjacket and heavily sedated.
  • If you lose your job, wait a few minutes and you'll get an even better job at twice the salary.
  • Your sister's husband always makes an ideal mate. After all, you have so much in common -- he hates your sister just as much as you do.
  • Just because you're in the midst of ruining someone's career doesn't mean that you can't carpool to work with them.

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